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Underwater creature
02 August 2015 @ 08:22 am
head first into the fighter.
that canno be kept quiet or hiddne anymore.'That was always there... and always winning over the lover
lover phase is gone.. passed... survive.
Now its a part of the game. leaned lesson.
hopefully an aquired ift. perhaps a discovered privelege.
lets see what brings

I love to hurt myself. beat myself. push myself. at the gym. get strong. stronger . stronger.
or then sit and face my own anger and energy.... the calm behind the storm before me. the left overs of the rush.
the eye of the storm that keeps seeing the storm sorrounding it.
see through it.
I am calm... BUt also the storm

Looking for a fight to balance out the energy. Looking for some fucking truth. Looking for someone strong.
hating the weakness that sorrounds me. looking down at the weak friends.

My family is strong. At least I know I belong to some people.
Need to stop hanging around those Ive judged as lesser fools.

When I know Im the fool to judge at all.

But the storm and the thunder inside... its so real. So me. So beautiful.

Get up. Go on. DO something.
 
 
Current Location: orlando
Current Music: where fishes go - live
 
 
Underwater creature
03 November 2011 @ 02:22 am
If I could fix things... this thin thin thread.... that is holding us together...
So many times you were not here
So many times you were with someone else
sorting out your life...
taking this for granted
telling me exactly everything that was missing in me
taking this for granted
nothing is forever
the energy itself is running out
the fire is vulnerable like never before
and the little that is left is flickering in the wind...
the wind of your ways
and the wind of my anger
and i am tempted now to use the last bit of fuel to end it even faster.. and end it in a big shabam
from the depths of my heart i am willing to sacrifice to you.... if that is what are really after...
both my boys... the best of the lot.. 
is that what u want? to know u can seduce us all?
you could've had me... just as a friend, but if that is what u want, then i shall grant it to you like a queen.
cos then i will know me and you will know you

Yes i guess i am childish
Yes I have a lot of catching up to do... in the way of your world... the languages you speak, the things you people do.
I am just me. simple little me... and u can see that...
I feel like the rope that binds us together is now a thin thread here... 
I feel like I've been giving it and feeding it... I know u do too...
but if theres anything you're holding back... please say it..
and I know i am to blame to... for holding back things i wanted to say..
afraid to say them cos u already held all the cards...
but i for one was not out to win anything but  friend..
in a sense... i guess u are one of the best friends i ever had.... cos u helped me find myself...
u helped me find myself.
and as if u didn't know: i love you
 
 
Underwater creature
31 October 2011 @ 01:06 am
today i was strong
i was there, i was ready
i was myself again
God bless the angel who goes around healing people... who has touched me and healed me so... 
God bless her and i hope her dreams come true. wow. 
today i was free.. i was loyal to myself. i was hearing. i was present. 
i was confident

and she came up to me
and he came up to me
and he said nice things to me
and she messaged me in the am
o well
lets see

and the song for today was this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwDHO9iFHMc

can i should i try n hold on to this energy? hehe 
repeat things i did yesterday? foolishly ?
or just let it sink in... and believe it... believe it.
 
 
Underwater creature
30 October 2011 @ 02:30 am
I am awake all nights.. sleeping late...

i want a lover who will kiss all over my body
everything i touch turns to gold.
i want a lover how will kiss all over my body... and take his time
everywhere... passionately..
wake me up with your kisses..
feel the passion of the original connection between male and female
and run it through your veins' and remind me of it. very night
treat me lie a princess
cos i am a princess.. soon to be a queen
so u should be a prince
worship my body... yes... do..... 
bite me
suck me
kiss me
caress me
engulf me
dont u forget to hold me... tight...
remind me why i was born... why am i here...
if it not for your touch.. then why?
remihd me why i exist ... again? why? i forget
hold me... tighter..
make me cry... remind me.. of our ones... remind me... why we exist..
show me how we are far and above way beyond anybody else
remind me... every night
we r masters amongst slaves.. brain washed people
remind me... what is a woman, what is a man..
let me feel your heart beat
bring on the passion... fire in your heart... 
r u worth it?
Are you worth all the fire i bring?
or are u just a mimicker? who has sold his passion to pornography
can u make love from your heart?
yes u can
yes u can
treat me like the queen that i am
the object of your desire...
the golden fleece
the final prize..
keep the fire burning...
keep the love sustaining
does this all scare u?
are these demand too demanding?
or are they exactly what u wanted in a partner?
cos i know who i am... a queen and princess.. treat me as such... if u are going to be king...

love me
 
 
Underwater creature
30 October 2011 @ 02:15 am
what is it about  hardcore porn ? that a girl like me.. could be looking for?
its the essential desperation and direct or indirect act of service through desperate horniness of the two men in MMF videos that r double penetrating a woman and holding her up. I like how they hold her up and take care of her while they do that. and her constant moans.

i basically just want to see women have fun and be create with the respect that our bodies demand.

The other day i need to know what exact it was that got me off.. and i realized it was the thrill of the semi-dangerous... instead of pure sex..
i guess its the she for everyone...

so.. do we get off on the same stuff that we otherwise fight and detest? or is that just me? lol
dos that aspect of human mind would actually give hope to an otherwise slave future...
hmmm
 
 
 
Underwater creature
27 October 2011 @ 12:06 am
a part of this all is just simply a battle to defeat anxiety.
anxiety on so many different levels.
fear... self-lesserment.
beng drawn into a drama , into a story... and before one knows it, they have an alternate character all planned out for them ... it is as though the mind hypnotizes itself... I am this... I am that... this is this... this is happening in my life right now... this is what this means.... this is what we shall do...
We...
where did the we come from?
who is the we?
who is the other me that is talking to me but yet i feel it the same.

Maybe I can just BE into the one me.... the more real me.. the being me , not the thinking me... 
and then maybe that is being grounded.
and maybe that is what i seek...
maybe that is where all anxiety stops in all its different levels... 


Anxiety doesn't let u realize how hard u actually work... while still feeling less so becos it is always comparing u...specially in areas u don't quite match up in.
Anxiety doesn't let u realize how much u try, how much u r really doing...

This growing into the woman I am ... I must realize that this is something I have never done before..
I must not let my mind tell me it is just something I have to recall or remember... or ACT...
we act before we even know what we're doing.
and only the expressions in our aces know what we're doing.

So much more information streaming through my mind in every second in every encounter.
than i could portray
 
 
Underwater creature
28 September 2011 @ 02:06 am
I am staying up.
I am not fearing the mania
I am reading my astrology for signs
I am studying and feeling good about it.

I am a litle speck in the world
I am a tiny creature of the universe.

I am silly and scared and making mistakes all the time
I cannot see what is coming up in front of me or behind me, and Im wondering whats behind the corner.

My dreams have been exposed.
And I have been exposed - as a dreamer. 
I am awake now
I want to be awake now.

I want to live in this world now - awake and alert. 


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Working over the weekend , not sleeping
one night of agony and a little crying
and then - okay
so I cannot do Rheum  - face it - ok
So I have to leave and go elsewhere and be a hospitalist - ok
so he does not like me
does not like me
not interested
face it - ok.

next night - humble and easy.
next night - invoked myself into freedom. to be awake in the moment.
awake and in the moment. 
no longer sleeping

Oyr reality as I have understood it in the recent weeks , months, years - from my mos basic core experience of conciousness - is simply of different states of wakefullness and dreaminess.
We sleep... and some of us stay sleeping even in the day time . everything feels dreamy... the environment also has a different feel to it. decisions are effected by this... excuses are made... emotions are carried longer, farther, like a continuing melody
 
and then we can also be AWAKE. 
and things look and feel different.
i felt more like myself.
and also more solid.



Lets talk about my fear of being solid zeeni.
which gives rise to my need for being grounded.I
 can feel myself fly away with ideas sometimes.

my fear of being solid - of being stuck... of staying stubborn as others may pass me by. of being like a mountain , a rock, while others... my loves... may be like birds..  and i love birds.
but this may have given rise to my newly recognized fear of wind... yes.. sounds strange... moving then in a relatively cool place feels painful cos the wind makes it extra cold... i can feel it on my skin... the tiniest amount.. 
i dont want to have an uncomfy relationship with wind.
lets try feeling solid...

i think that solid means to hold on to a decision...... to be stubborn.
i guess that is extreme.
But I have a calm rock solid side... it used to be more apparent... now it is deep inside.. my core.
I guess I can be like a mountain.... a volcano.  :)

The wind does not effect me. it is a breeze... just a breeze... feel like... enjoy it... as i move, it moves...
know my own strength... feel my own strength... feel my own weight... BE a little stubborn. BE a little bold... a lot bold..
BOLD. 
SOLID.
Let the wind hit my chest  - and breathe it in - take from it and give it back. It is only the same air that is within me as well.
 
 
Underwater creature
28 August 2011 @ 01:35 am
night 1: at sip. a revelation for me. for her maybe just another night being her brave n reckless self? . July 22nd 2011
she asks me why i cut my hair - "i had to get to my core" i said before i even thought about it. She jokes abt it the next day :) 
day 2: an afternoon of talk, drink, and a sudden crazy passionate make out session. fun for her, 
fourth floor: morning hug.. make that a kiss.. make that a make out session... wonderful wet kisses on my body.. where did she learn how to do that? I tell her "i'll tell you everything" - and i do
fourth floor: more of the above. 
fourth floor: one of these days i got locked in the call room when i locked myself in my head at that same time, an old response now manifested to me in physical reality.. with her across the door  - as long as she could be ... Sometimes i cant play the other kids's games and i lock myself in my world... which would be just mine..  sometimes i just need a break from this world and everyone in it who agreed to play the games... but it had just become an escape mechanism...
On the phone i tell her i dont know how many ppl she is making out with - she says maybe i havent been truthful about my feelings for her, and then she says im more gay than her ..  the nerve (!) ... but i am laughing by the time i see her... into her lips..  and her reason for saying that is not a malicious powerplay as i feared it to be.. it is just based on her logic.. a very cute logic ... and a very logical logic.  Then she tells me her stuff, since, she says, i told her everything :)  And her stuff is pretty cool...
fourth floor: more of the above
dinner my place: chilling on sofa-bed.. maing out, my shirt off, basking in her attention
Our day in, then night out: I dont want to go to the ride without preparation - i need to get used to the idea of me developing a bursting aneurysm and then dying or having to take meds chroicly... meanwhile is pulling me in high heels.. shes in a little black dress and wants to be shot to be to the sky way more than 300 feet... right now. ok... at home, kissing my hand, talk abt stuff, drink a bit, then go out with MnM, was she a little jealous talking about 'touchy feely' when i was holding M? 
Evening at M's: End of the month.. pool side.. drunken pool side for her.. a crazy fun girl.. help her puke, try to feed her, got bitten instead, hehe, drop her home, took her to my friend's house instead, she is so happy when shes happy - its almost scary, but i could so get used to this. 
Night in: spent the night at my place. apparently i taste so great ... i had to leave the next morning .. my wallet in her car.. so she so nicely met n gave it to me ..
Niagra: no real good contact.. few texts here n there.. and phone calls
Night out with M: earlier she was with brook and her brother.. im goin out with M, she joins in.. on the way back we spend some quality time talking in the car.. and then she goes down on me in the car (!)
Her week off.. a day at her place.. about to leave but i want to 'connect' before i leave. brook is away now but she is stressed by the whole thing. we end up on her bed, their bed.. day time.. with her again giving n giving and me trying to - her face.. 
Her week off and away: in tampa... no good contact.  dont call too much cos i think she shaving fun, meawhile she is having family drama (i find out when she returns).. but also busy and did not have much time on the day i called. 
Sunday 8/14/11: met up real fast outside ember then she takes me outside on the lakeside on her way back  :) - talk.. cant go to my place or her place.. 
Tuesday night: our night out.. she says she would never date my friends - after i say introduce brook to my friends (which she reminds me is a bad idea cos they would talk abt us) We at at mr-sis, got pretty drunk, she bit my ass when i was talkin to random chik and she was talkin to random guy outside.. spent night at her place and we passed out.. next morning - oops she has work.. 
Saturday: want to meet up with her but she is not exactly answering her phone.. at dinner with brook n then answers and they r going to mr-sis ... invite me... but i go to sky60 meet the girls n decide to stay, music good, and dont feel strong enough to watch them both together anwyay.. end up making out with a guy.. and a little bit more..
Sunday: meet at ember late night... talk abt it.. then hit the bbq club.. ok im all over her at both places.. she does not show much reaction - late night home, next morning i wake early for my presentation. but later she says we went out late too
Thursday 8/25/11: her clinic day and i get free too - thinking meet today or not? Gym first, then meet at dexters - on leaving i feel like shes being impatient in the car, called me childish cos i cant make up my mind, i leave pissed off n she drives off as soon as i leave. i cool down just as quickly, dunno abt her.
Friday: my clinic and i feel bad, want her to come to fourth floor for lunch but i guess not possible due to time, and i guess she is okay anyway, calls me indicisive all the way through - and she is right on the spot once again, ofcourse. But she does not remember the things she said before i walked out - or maybe they r not a big deal to her? she says 'i dont know what ur talking abt'
Comes to my place later for dinner - drive around the block and talk - asks me questions i cannot answer... tells me right on exacty how i feel... I try to love her in my way - but i feel small and weak n scared. she challenges me more.. even my time-and-space thing..  i am not used to showing passion... it was one of the first things i lost.. or i scared away from within myself. she gives whatever she thinks it is that i need - which is what i say - a kiss, and yesterday making out - but what i have said is not what i really mean... what i really want to do is to connect n penetrate her layers n love her
I cannot stay home - but i want to answer her and suddenly now i have the answers twenty minutes later when shes not there.. and it is new for me to even decide to answer or make an attempt at a convo and not just do my own thing n ignore any call for such passion and withdraw into my own world... but there r people in my house right now and i cannot hide there.. and realize i dont want to hide. So i call to tell her after building guts but no aswer and so we text but mostly im happy just saying i can answer her questions  - Now at Kims and i talk to her and tel her everything, and feel much better, also brought carmen into the onvo for a bit, which also felt good - slept over there, came back at 7.. little comment of Kim not trusting her in my head... feeding my own.
Until I remember her smile n the way her eyes are when she laughs and i love her eyes when she smiles or laughs and each n every line and premature aging wrinkle that she is so aware n down about.


she is definately stronger, and more experienced, and tougher.
i have been playing it nice.i have been in depression , beating myself down.
she has been sorrounded by ppl
i have been isolating myself

She says apart from work she feels no drive, might as well be lying flat on the road waitinf for someone to drive over her. I find it hard not to make everything abt myself.. i used to be the grown up, the adult the psychologist.
and now everything is about me?
now i am acting like a girl when she does not get attention from guys
and she is giving herself first hand experience of the other side ... 
Saturday: today: all day i know im not to contact her and dont feel the urge to - untill its after i know shes done with work and then i find myself checking if she called or msgd, and i eventually call her for 4 rings tonight, but after spending time with myself like i havent i many months... after taking a walk around the neighbourhood like i havent ever before but which was so nostalgic anyhow - from years ago - old famly habit... 
today i remembered a part of myself that i had forgotten n lost a few yrs ago... a part that i was trying to find.. remembering this precious part of me... my core, myself.
And now I realize why Im writing this...

I have touched bottom. I have felt my core again.
I was myself today.
I was myself today -- underneath the airy and anxious me, the people pleaser me - the person connecter who had become a crowd avoider
underneath all the quiet that i had started to keep just to keep the peace when i first left my parent's home for my sister's - the place where my opinions felt like a minefield - a deadly weapon that i must keep to myself - lest some histrionic personality have an exagerrated emotional response to my words and ideas ...
beyond the rock wall of anger covered in creeping twines of apathy - the time that gave me the right to say i cannot make a difference out there and need not even bother to try 
underneath the dark dark quiet water, that place where i believed no one can understand all these things ive known and that these things dont need to be said anyway.. they dont need to be said, no need to be felt, and no need to be 
underneath the layers of the deeper waters - that waters that i took time n effort to clean in recent years - clean up of excess emotions, of drama, of anything that i saw as immature narcism in me - the waters that are supposed to be clearer with the fogs of emotion now lessened.

They were the deepest into myself that I had managed to go for a while. 
I had dived - and then I had risen to the surface, thinking that was the way to go... and I was living on the surface... but not standing my ground,
and not having a map or a territory.. luckily just floating to where distant messages from the recesses of my mind said to go, like distant memories of my subconcious plan - running on autopilot.

But now I am inside myself again 
in the office, the desk, the brain, the heart - inside the furnace, burning steadily - something i did not appreciate before
burning for all - something i need to appreciate now

I am solid now, so you can crash into me
I can take your impact. I can take you.



UPDATE:  SEPT/29/2011

- First too weeks I was on night float... feel like i was less available to her than she was to me when she was on ED 12 hr shifts... I sleep more... a couple of times she was there at work when i came.. one time she left... and i messaged her about it.. and she was tired and apologized..  sweet thing.. i said she didn't have to apologize ... I messaged her after fighting with the art of me that was saying not to message and just take it as what it is that she did not feel like staying.. This cynic part f me..
One night she came back after clinic... (working so hard!) joel had just told me she was coming back but i saw her and was still surprised.. teased - did she come back for me? she said yeah sure she went back and came back for me.. i thought she was being sarcastic, i apologized.. (all on text)  then she called me before leaving saying she did want to see me and so had came back (for that reason too) (sweet!) ... i took her upstairs ... she was sad and tired and stressed.. she cried.. i held her tight.
i seem to have a lapse of memory here
Me on day shift... there was a weekend I was expecting her to come over.. she had said Friday... friday..? saturday..?  but she never called and could not make it... ( But she Was sick...  )   I don't remember if i called her... 
i went to KnC's... K plainly said what i feared: that she just doesn't like me all that much. 
Later she said she slept the whole weekend.. and that she finally helped brook find a place in baldwin park (yay)
But... the hurt had already sunk in .. along with the message that she does not really like me.. 
And she expressed her happiness and joy at seeing me at work... and i was in the middle of beginning to round and was obviously reserved and quiet.
Day week...  She comes over one day to study.. I give her kisses on her back and neck... but I am innerly sad and unable to accept her kisses... dunno why i offer the massage oil but she sys not now.. of course..  at leads one of us is not on autopilot. 
Weekend coming.. Im about to sign up to work friday night.. talk to her act it.. she's on call.. She says on the phone she can come over n study there after call sat night... I dunno.
Meanwhile in the day time I am less expressive than i wish to be. she is constantly busy and surrounded by her team. I cannot sit there and keep looking at her momentary.. so i start studying away from the doctor's lounge - and I have to study anyway..
WEEKEND Sept 23F,24S,25Sun: No night call visits on friday . But I wasn't really expecting one. 
Had coffee friday night and could not sleep.  Earlier i had emailed my recruiter and it seemed like my left brain just blankly told her what I knew clearly enough at the bad of my head somewhere but what I had not yet told myself! : that i most likely cannot pursue my fellowship, that i have to start looking for a Hospitalist job which was my back up and do it soon... and that my visa has to start Nov 2012 as soon as I graduate... so i better start now.. and get serious.
And then in a text message with Mandy... after texting eric and he not texting back... realized and told her- what i knew but what i had not properly told myself : that he is hinting by not replying and is just not interested.both my dreams that started earlier in Feb and March - finished in one night.  no longer a dreamer.
I blocked it out again until later in bed when it crept back up into my consciousness..  as a realization that I am stuck in this reality weather i like it or not.. so id better be more active about it.. and change the world more to my liking.. and forget about abstract ideals and what things r supposed to be like up there in the sky cos i am stuck in this reality... and no matter how much i sleep or dream i will still wake up here.  And eventually I realized what was bothering me (apart from being awake on coffee)   And i finally cried a few tears and tossed about in bed, and to back up, read some more, got back in... and realized that this is what had happened today - and Told myself in the bathroom - that this is what had happened tonight: both my manufactured dreams were gone... Slept a little.
Sat night ... was humble and okay.. and working hard... and doing a line... 
Sun night - decided to wake up and stay awake. Felt free. good. awake. motivated. Decided i like staying awake.
Need to stay awake in this reality. JUst do whatever the fun i want to do. just be me. all the complicated goals based on a portion of myself, a thing i like to read, an interested of mine, an idea that i might write a book on someday and be successful... so hence i should do this and be this ad this should be my 'dream' my 'goal' ... no i want more.
i want Now. i want Alive. i want Awake. i want Here.
So I am new now...  I will no longer favor over sleeping. or even regular sleeping (its 1:20am right now) - (unless i really need it and its my beauty sleep of course)  i will let life guide me... what i need and want at that moment.. not what i should do and how tired i am. The reality I was tired of is now GOne  - cos now I am in charge and awake.

Monday night:  her house with a friend... totally platonic, little cuddling ... and was she farting?  haha

Week days: Her show of affection has gone down... Mine is non existent..  how can i complain.
I feel like I am hiding from her - almost. Part of me does not know how to react with her on the table with everyone else - i do not want to be exposed and i feel it will show sooner or later, or if it doesn't then it would be so strange to ignore each other... (but these things r in my imagination these have not happened ever.) In any case I used to go off and do my own thing even before. i just get sick of all the crap talk pretty fast. and the noise.
(But she fits right in, talks to everyone, says her wonderful opinions... does her thing.. she's the leader n the star :)

I wonder if she knows that. I think I should tell her


scenarios:

1- she's not that into me ... she discovered that i am childish and boring and inexperienced . she did that whole thing in the beginning cos she just is like that
2- all of the above an the sex sucked cos i could not come from oral sex 
3- all of the above plus she realized her ex-gf is so much better at the sex she'd rather keep her door open and close this one
4- she's into a lot of people and my hint of jealousy and insecurity that arouses so easily is correct 

5- she likes me but i never show effect ion in person or the way she needs it and so she is pulling away
6- the above plus i made out with that guy and after that she thought that i was not who she thought and so she pulled back
7- She liked me but after the guy episode and the poor sex attempt episode she is done now and thinks we should now be totally platonic.

8-we just haven't had TIME.... and yes my insecurities and her home situation and all also got in the middle and our game just got suspended it never finished..


lets see.. 
Im going to try and not make it all about me when i try to talk to her about this... if she comes over tomorrow ...

in any case, i love her and need her and she needs me too... the way i see her in the things she does.. most ppl don't.. and i want to be there for her and give her everything i can. i am so so grateful for her. thank u god. :)

 
 
Underwater creature
31 January 2011 @ 10:45 pm


problems with motivation.
feels like a curse sometimes.
God, have i let u down?
am i losing u?
am i losing sight of it?
i dont know why
i dont have any desire
i am grateful for all i have,
but i dont feel any urge or passion
i am in this wonderful job
learning.
yet i can hardly talk to the people i work with.
all alone.
there is a problem here
maybe something is wrong with me
depression, yes, and ive started the nutritional supplement for serotonin.
i feel like a disconnected neuron
something is wrong here
i feel like there should be someone with me if i am to do any of the things i could do
almost feel like a condition
almost feel like im demanding it
feel wrong just to ask for it.
something must be wrong with me
if the biggest thing i could do - i can not discuss with anyone. or if i do ther is no equal response.
is it really that complicated? its really simple actually. at least u could tell me what u think.. should i publish it or not?  am i crazy to sit on it for 6 years? or am i crazy to think it matters?
its like an influence - stops me from making the phone calls.
stops me from doing anything.
im sorry god
i dont know. i let u down. i dont know how to ... and i think maybe im not meant to ?  who am i to break the code anyway.

 

 


 
 
Underwater creature
30 January 2011 @ 02:54 am
recent things done to feel accomplished about:

1- able to relax myself, specially after the massage therapist's help. ofcourse right now my shoulder is uncomfortable again but it is much better... and i can continue to make it better, together with my massage therapist!

2- setting up "my" house - going to give my my touch...

3- pretty sure my appetite changes like clockwork with my cycle.


things still on my mind and done nothing about:

1- what the hec do i want to specialize in. should i even try? should i call everyone in diff specialties and see who sponsors visa? should i tal to everyone at my place about it? should i become a hositalist and hope i dont kill myself?

2- am i supposed to publish that dicovery i made? or am i supposed to sit on it like i have for more than 5 years now? do i deserve to publish anything like that? should i at least do something to gt traffic to that website? do they have people for that kind of stuff?

3- do i want to start thinking about why i have "relationship interruptis"? 
should i date a guy?  since i always self sabotage relationships with girls?
why is it the two guys who have approached me both have kids!   is this why they said get married younger?  o boy.

4- so my brother wants to be a monk and my parents want me to try n stop him....   
i want to go sailing around the world...


 
 
Current Music: who will find me - dj shah